Donald Trump sits alone at his desk in the White House’s Oval Office. He spins in his swivel chair. The government has been shut down for 12 days.
DONALD: Merry Christmas to me. Happy New Year to me.
Donald stops spinning.
DONALD: No Mara Lago... No golf… And no wall.
FRED TRUMP enters.
DONALD: Dad…!? What are you doing here?
FRED TRUMP: Hi, Donnie.
DONALD: I must be dreaming…! You’re alive!
FRED TRUMP: And you’re president.
DONALD: Isn’t it just great?
FRED TRUMP: It’s unbelievable.
DONALD: Are you proud of me?
FRED TRUMP: Where is everybody?
DONALD: Nowhere. I mean, out to lunch. Probably.
Fred approaches the desk and looks around the room.
FRED TRUMP: We really fooled everyone into thinking you’re rich and handsome.
DONALD: You mean I did.
FRED TRUMP: What’s that?
DONALD: I fooled them.
FRED TRUMP: Sure, Donnie.
DONALD: And now I’m president.
FRED TRUMP: But now you gotta be smart.
DONALD: I am smart.
FRED TRUMP: Smarter.
DONALD: I’m the smartest.
FRED TRUMP: Cut the shit.
DONALD: Yes, sir.
FRED TRUMP: Remember when you tried to rewrite my will?
DONALD: I do.
FRED TRUMP: When I was lying there in the hospital?
DONALD: Yeah.
FRED TRUMP: When I was still coherent?
DONALD: But who remembers that?
FRED TRUMP: I do. It was a bad move. A stupid move.
DONALD: I realize that.
FRED TRUMP: Do you, though?
DONALD: Now.
FRED TRUMP: Say, what’s that box there…?
DONALD: Huh…? Oh, this? It’s a board game.
FRED picks up a box off the desk.
DONALD: Not “bored” like “boring,” but -
FRED TRUMP: I know, Donnie.
DONALD: I thought it was a puzzle of a hedge maze.
FRED studies the box.
FRED TRUMP: “Presidential Risk…”
DONALD: A gift to the Trump foundation.
FRED TRUMP: That still exist?
DONALD: No.
FRED TRUMP: Could be fun.
DONALD: Fun for me. I am the great negotiator after all.
FRED TRUMP: Sure, Donnie.
DONALD: I am! You wanna bet?
FRED TRUMP: You still owe me 10 million dollars.
DONALD: Let’s play old man!
FRED TRUMP: If you’re not busy.
DONALD: Are you kidding?
Fred sits.
FRED TRUMP: Roll the dice.
DONALD: Don’t tell me what to do!
FRED TRUMP: Ok, I’ll start.
DONALD: No! I go first! I’m president. And you’re dead.
FRED TRUMP: Touché.
Donald rolls the dice.
DONALD: YES! Ha-HA! I get my wall!
FRED TRUMP: No, you don’t.
DONALD: Why not?
FRED TRUMP: You lost the House.
DONALD: What house?
FRED TRUMP: Of Representatives.
DONALD: What’s that?
FRED TRUMP: Nancy.
DONALD: Oh. Damn. Ok…. Then I’m going to roll…
Donald shakes the dice.
DONALD: For a new law!
FRED TRUMP: A new law that says what?
DONALD: That says… “WALL.”
FRED TRUMP: A new law that says “Wall?”
DONALD: A wall law. You know, come to think of it, I like the sound of that… Wall law… Wall law... Got a nice ring to it.
FRED TRUMP: The House writes laws, Donnie.
DONALD: The House?
FRED TRUMP: Nancy.
DONALD: Damn! Ok…
DONALD shakes the dice.
DONALD: The military! They’ll build it for me.
FRED TRUMP: Illegal.
DONALD: Mexico?
FRED TRUMP: Ha.
DONALD: FEMA?
FRED TRUMP: FEMA has to be funded.
DONALD: By the House?
FRED TRUMP: Nancy.
DONALD: Damn!
FRED TRUMP: You’re catching on.
DONALD: What about the Senate? I still have the Senate, right?
FRED TRUMP: Well...
DONALD: They could, right?
FRED TRUMP: Approve a wall…?
DONALD: Yes?
Fred shakes his head.
FRED TRUMP: Not enough votes.
DONALD: Nancy?
FRED TRUMP: Chuck.
DONALD: Chuck… ?! Chuck and Nancy. Nancy and Chuck…
FRED TRUMP: It’s math, Donnie.
DONALD: Math?
FRED TRUMP: Sixty votes.
DONALD: How many do I have?
FRED TRUMP: Less than sixty.
DONALD: Damn! This is hard.
Fred gets up.
FRED TRUMP: Here. Let me help.
Donald holds the dice away from Fred.
DONALD: No! I don’t need help.
Fred takes a hold of a cord that is attached to the top of Donald’s head. Fred reveals a pair of scissors. He cuts the cord.
FRED TRUMP: There.
SOUNDS of chaos erupt outside.
FOX NEWS (Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, Brian Kilmeade) enters holding the end of a cord.
FOX NEWS: Donnie?
DONALD: Hi guys!
FOX NEWS: What the hell is going on?
FRED TRUMP: Out!
FOX NEWS: Think about your base…!?
FRED TRUMP: GET THE F*#$ OUTTA HERE!
FOX NEWS hurries out, frightened.
FRED TRUMP: You don’t need them.
DONALD: They really are good people. The best people.
FRED TRUMP: “The best people?” What is this, the Overlook Hotel?
DONALD: No book references.
FRED TRUMP: It’s from a movie. And a book.
DONALD: Only talk to me about things I already know!
Trump tosses the game aside. The pieces fly everywhere.
FRED TRUMP: Ok, Donnie... What do you want?
DONALD: To eat…?
FRED TRUMP: No, to do. What do you want to do?
DONALD: I don’t know. Kill you?
FRED TRUMP: Ahhh. Well, that’s natural, son.
DONALD: It is?
FRED TRUMP: You only ran for president because of me. Because you thought I never loved you.
DONALD: Did you?
FRED TRUMP: But even when you won, and became president, you lost. You’re losing right now.
DONALD: No, I’m not!
FRED TRUMP: Look at you. You can never beat me. You’re a loser.
DONALD: No, I’m not!
FRED TRUMP: The whole country is losing because of you!
Donald lunges at Fred.
DONALD: AHHHHhhhhhhh!
Fred dodges him easily. Donald hits his head.
DONALD: Owwwwwwwww! My head! My head!
Fred points at him.
FRED TRUMP: Hahahahhahaha!
CUT TO:
Donald wakes up in bed, holding his head.
DONALD: My head…!
Frightened, Donald shakes the lump under the covers next to him.
DONALD: Ivanna…? Marla…? Stormy…?
MELANIA: Za vraga!
DONALD: Melania! Wake up!
MELANIA: What is it now?
DONALD: I just had a terrible dream.
MELANIA: Worse than this?
DONALD: My father was still alive.
MELANIA: I hope he told you what to do this time.
Donald notices something.
DONALD: Hey…!
MELANIA: What?
DONALD: The TV is off.
MELANIA: So?
DONALD: Why is the TV off?!
MELANIA: I couldn’t think.
DONALD: But now… oh my god! I can’t think either!
Donald gets up and goes to the TV.
DONALD: Never, never, EVER turn this off! You understand?
MELANIA: It’s my TV.
DONALD: Whose thoughts are more important? Yours or mine?
MELANIA: Go to sleep!
DONALD: Mine!
Melania gets up.
MELANIA: This is my room!
DONALD: And I’m the president!
MELANIA: Jebemti!
Melania exits, cursing in Slovenian.
Donald presses the TV’s on-off button. It doesn’t work. He tries again.
DONALD: Oh, no! It’s…
Donald picks up the unplugged cord.
DONALD: What did you do…?! Someone… please… help?!
Donald begins to cry.
DONALD: How am I supposed to…?
FRED TRUMP (V.O.): Donnie…?
DONALD: Huh…?
Donald stares at the TV in horror.
FRED TRUMP (V.O): You’re a loser, Donnie. A born loser.
DONALD: NOooooooooooOOOOOOOO!
Donald covers his ears and backs away from the TV.
FRED TRUMP (V.O.): HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Donald lets go of his ears and collapses onto the ground. He sits, leaning against the bed, exhausted. Eerie MUSIC.
DONALD: AhhhhhhHHHHHHHH!
JUMP CUT TO:
Donald Trump, frozen solid, covered in snow, seated at his oval office desk, eyes open, looking up, a terrible grimace across his face.
CUT TO: Oval Office wall from across the room.
MUSIC. “Midnight, the Stars and You.”
SLOW ZOOM IN: A black and white photo among others on the wall. Donald, dressed in a tuxedo, is smiling at the camera, surrounded by men and women in tuxedos.
The caption:
The White House
October 10, Ball
1973
THE END
